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Hurricane
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Post by Hurricane » Jan Tue 03, 2006 10:44 am

"Hillbilly Love"

Suzie Anne done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo'Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo'half brother"

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still...

You can't marry Will, my gal.,
And please don't tell your Mother,
But Will and Jo and several mo'
I know is yo'half brother"

But Mama knew and said, "My child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain't no kin to Pappy.
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Bob » Jan Thu 05, 2006 8:58 am

A guy goes to his doctor and says,

"Doc, I have a problem."



"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday."



"I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."



The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."



The man says, "You have a deal Doc."



Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.



The doctor asks, "What happened"?



The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"
[img]http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y59/Sanmel/BobSig2.jpg[/img]
[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Post by Bob » Jan Fri 06, 2006 10:28 am

A young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says:

"Sex Frogs! Only 20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions." The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow its training. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is very disappointed and quite u pset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time....
[img]http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y59/Sanmel/BobSig2.jpg[/img]
[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Post by Fergudi » Jan Wed 11, 2006 5:56 pm

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage
bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and
every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling
out of that bag..."
"Oh dear!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I
can still find some. Thank you for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?"
" Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady.
"You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right
into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each
time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes,
I say: "$20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's
in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"...

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Post by CITIZEN923 » Jan Wed 11, 2006 6:10 pm

You Gotta Have Friends

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.
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Post by Toolguy2 » Jan Fri 13, 2006 1:37 pm

A couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on
the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?", asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face.
I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different
kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was,
"Yes, Lollipop.. but at the bar... you know... they have frozen
glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at The
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious..
I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?"
She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey.. at the bar....you know there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?..

"LISTEN UP CHICKEN [expletive], SIT YOUR @SS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP,
DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS
D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED
@SS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT [expletive] IS OVER, GOT IT,
JACK@SS?"


And, they lived happily ever after.
Isn't that a sweet story?
Toolguy 2

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

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Post by Hurricane » Jan Fri 13, 2006 3:25 pm

:lol: :lol: I guess she is training him early !! :P
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by CITIZEN923 » Jan Sat 14, 2006 11:13 pm

The Dollar


A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"

"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."
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Post by CITIZEN923 » Jan Mon 16, 2006 11:43 am

double post sorry
Last edited by CITIZEN923 on Feb Mon 27, 2006 1:59 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by CITIZEN923 » Jan Thu 19, 2006 10:53 pm

CROWDED STORE


It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
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Post by Hurricane » Jan Fri 20, 2006 11:40 pm

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly
furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a
gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled,
slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife
when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did." :roll: :wink:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by CITIZEN923 » Jan Sat 21, 2006 1:52 am

Bigger Turkey


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
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Post by Max » Jan Sat 21, 2006 11:11 am

When Osama Bin Laden was killed by the U.S. Military, he was met at the Pearly Gates by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

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Post by Hurricane » Jan Sat 21, 2006 7:09 pm

Joke of the day:

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her
mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying
to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to
look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight:
the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and
a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this
mess, let him get himself out of it." :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by CITIZEN923 » Jan Tue 24, 2006 6:17 pm

Three's a Crowd


The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
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Post by CITIZEN923 » Jan Sat 28, 2006 6:18 pm

The Lost Dr. Seuss Tongue Twister



See if you can do this.
Read each line aloud:
-------------------------------------

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat




Now read only the third word
from each line aloud!




This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
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Post by CITIZEN923 » Feb Wed 08, 2006 2:10 am

CITIZEN923
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Post by Jackster » Feb Wed 08, 2006 4:50 pm

I've got one. Doesn't work. Must need new batteries or something :wink:

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Post by Jackster » Feb Wed 08, 2006 4:52 pm

Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see
that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid
$600.00 for a toilet seat.
I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value
$1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please apply the
overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on
my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5"
Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays
$22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screw. One is enclosed for your
convenience).
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward
to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer

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Post by CITIZEN923 » Feb Sat 11, 2006 10:16 pm

The Moods of a Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,

She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,

She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,

At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


The Moods of a Man

Hungry.

Horny.

Sleepy.
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Re: jokes

Post by GoingCoastal » Aug Tue 31, 2010 1:51 pm

bump - is this the missing thread?
Joe McDonald

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Re: jokes

Post by JIMD » Nov Tue 09, 2010 9:52 pm

a snail was going down the street, two turtles came up from behind, robbing and mugging the snail

when the cops came to the scene and asked what happened the snail said, it happened so quick he did'nt know
Good Dog

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