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Post by Jackster » Jul Mon 25, 2005 10:33 am

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Jimmy Mac
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Post by Jimmy Mac » Jul Tue 26, 2005 10:18 am

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

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Post by Bob » Jul Tue 26, 2005 9:51 pm

..." One More Time "




> A PROJECT AND THE END RESULTS.
>
>
>
> Dear Sir:
>
> I am writing this letter in response to your request for additional information. In box #3 of the accident report form, I put "trying to do the job alone". You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.
>
> I am a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new 6 story building. When I completed my work, I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry them down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately was attached to the building at the 6th floor.
>
> Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back down to the ground level and untied the rope, holding tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 lbs. of brick. Now you will note in line #2 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the 3rd floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collar bone. This slowed me slightly, I continued my rapid assent up the side of the building not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
>
>
>
> Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind, and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. Approximately at the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight in box #2. As you might imagine, I began a rapid dissent down the side of the building. Somewhere in the vicinity of the 3rd floor, I again met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two broken ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay on the brick, in pain, unable to stand and watching the barrel 6 stories above, I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. The empty barrel weighed more than the rope, so it came back down on me and broke both of my legs. I hope I have furnished the information as to how the accident occurred. Because you see, I was trying to do the job alone.
>
>
>
> Sincerely yours,
[img]http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y59/Sanmel/BobSig2.jpg[/img]
[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Post by Jimmy Mac » Jul Wed 27, 2005 9:01 am

In the Amazon rain forest, three explorers were walking. One was French, another English, and the last American. Soon, they came across a tribe, and the leader of the tribe told them that if they wanted to pass through this territory, they had to pass the three caves test. The explorers agreed and asked what the three cave test was.

The leader of the tribe took them to the caves, where he said, "Inside the first, there are three bottles of rum, each 100 years old and said to be toxic. You have to drink one each. In the second is a lion with a thorn in his foot. You must remove the thorn. In the third is a woman who has never been satisfied, and she must be satisfied."

The three men were hesitant but could not back out, so the American went into the first cave, drank the bottle, and died soon afterward. The Englishman was second. He went into the first cave, drank the bottle, then went into the second cave. There was a lot of commotion and roaring. No one emerged from the cave.

Lastly, the French man went into the first cave and drank the bottle. He went into the second cave. At first, there was a lot of commotion, and then there was a soft purring sound. Then he entered the last cave. Two minutes later, he came out puzzled and asked, "Where's the thorn in the woman's foot?"

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Post by Bob » Jul Wed 27, 2005 10:09 am

Little Paul watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, Paul followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Paul found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said,

"Paul, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Paul to tell his story.

Paul started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

MORAL: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt
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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Post by Hurricane » Jul Wed 27, 2005 11:15 am

:shock: Out of the mouths of Babes !! Gotcha !! :lol: :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Jimmy Mac » Jul Wed 27, 2005 12:34 pm

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."

"What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!"

Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

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Post by Bob » Jul Wed 27, 2005 2:07 pm

Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1. The Operator said "Where are you?" Ole said "we were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street" The operator said, "How do you spell that." and the phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting. Then he came back on and said, "I dragged her over to Oak St, that's O-A-K" .

************************************************************************** Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off. Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea where we are?" "Yaaah I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."


****************************************************************************
**

Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?" "Yust a minute", said the busy clerk. "Vell", said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lars the bartender asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?" "No, I don't, "said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working." Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to." So Ole drove to Duluth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'." The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died.'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more." So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey, Sven," said Ole. "How many Swedes does it take to grease a combine?" After Sven replied, "I don't know." Ole said, "Only two, if you run them through real slow."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(THIS ONE MADE ME LAUGH TO TEARS....) Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly."No," replied Lars. "Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed."I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a

clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars. "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?" Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name isn't Valter."
[img]http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y59/Sanmel/BobSig2.jpg[/img]
[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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New Special Forces Group

Post by Max » Jul Fri 29, 2005 4:56 pm

The United States Department of Defense just announced the formation of the USRSF - The US Redneck Special Forces - that will be comprised of 500 individuals.

The DOD has determined that these people will need no additional training but will be told the following about the terrorist in Iraq.

The season just opened:
- There is no hunting limit
- They taste like chicken
- They hate beer, pickup trucks, country music and Jesus
- They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for Dale Earnhardt's death.

The DOD expects they will complete their mission in approximately two weeks

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Post by Hurricane » Jul Fri 29, 2005 9:53 pm

Here's another Redneck !! :P

"The Farmer Who Fell Off The Roof"

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."

"Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said, "No, everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.

"I reckon not," I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Hurricane » Jul Sat 30, 2005 4:56 pm

A husband walks into Victoria Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to
$500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item,
pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model
it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer
that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the
modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked and strikes a pose.

Her husband says, "Goodness gracious! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.... The Funeral is on Friday.
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Bob » Jul Sun 31, 2005 11:51 am

A husband and wife are watching T.V. in bed.
They are watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."
The husband turns to the wife and says, "Do you want to have sex?"
The wife says, "No."
The husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"
She says, "Yes."
He says, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

:lol:
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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Post by Jackster » Jul Sun 31, 2005 7:32 pm

Nautical Terms (from bostonboating.com):

It behooves any boat owner or anyone considering a boat purchase to become thoroughly familiar with the terminology associated with boating. Not only will it make you feel at ease discussing boats, it also serves to warn others that you are an individual to be reckoned with. Here are some definitions for the nautical terms you will undoubtedly encounter during your life as a boater. Take time to learn them now!


Aboard - A piece of lumber that may be used to repair your boat.

Aft - Acronym for Automatic Flotation Thing. The Coast Guard requires that you have a personal flotation device for each member on board; these are the ones that are *supposed* to inflate automatically when you hit the water (and you will) to prevent drowning.

Adrift - A method of moving across the water when nothing on your boat works. You normally do not have a lot of input as to where you are actually going, but you can get there.

Anchor - A mechanical device that is supposed to keep the boat in one place (see dragging). These devices are sometimes used to submerge expensive anchor lines and chain when used without proper termination at both ends of the anchor line.

Astern - A type of look. Your spouse gives you astern look when you attempt to buy things for your new boat.

Bilge - This is a storage area in the bottom of the boat for all the things you dropped and can not find. Also a mixing area for water, fuel and head output; making retrieval of said dropped items a real adventure.

Bilge pump - An electrical device designed to remove the charge from your batteries. These devices only operate properly when the boat is not taking on water.

Bow - This is what you do in front of your banker when you are asking for more money to spend on your boat. As your boat will surely cost much more than what you initially asked for, it is imperative that you learn how to do this quickly.

Bridge - Something you cross to get to the other side of a body of water when you do not have a boat available. Can also used for removing masts of sailing vessels if the bridge is low enough.

Buoy “ A navigational aid indicating there is something worth noting somewhere close to the location of the buoy, possibly to one side or the other or below it.

Capsize - They ask you this when you go to buy a hat or baseball cap.

Chart - The nautical equivalent of a road map. One must use charts instead of road maps because road maps usually only show roads and there are usually none of those in the water and besides you couldn't drive your boat on one anyway unless you had it on a trailer in which case you would need a road map instead of a chart.

Cleat “ A template used to practice knot tying that allows knots to easily slip off.

Cockpit “ An area of a sailboat in which people sit in order to get wet.

Compass “ A navigational aid that accurately points to the largest metal object on your boat.

Crew - This term refers to the people working on your boat. They are usually friends or acquaintances that do not find out about the "work" part of the ride until you are away from the dock. Crews have a high turnover rate, they normally will never want to see you again, let alone set foot on your boat.

Deck - This is what your spouse will do to you after discovering how much money you have spent on the boat without first obtaining permission.

Dock - A medical professional, not sure why the term shows up in a nautical dictionary.

Dragging - A method of moving about when the anchor is deployed (see anchor).

GPS - An electronic device that allows you to navigate out of sight of landmarks before the batteries expire.

Gunwale - (pronounced "gunnel") The part of a vessel near the side used for supporting one's midsection while one is engaged in the practice of heaving.

Hatch - A device similar in nature to a mousetrap, in that it will drop down on your head or hand without warning. Also an opening for admitting water into the boat.

Head1 - It is the part of your body that sits on top of your neck; you should not be buying a boat unless you already know this. Also useful for storing items like hats, sunglasses and such.

Head2 “ The shipboard equivalent of a bathroom.

Heave - A shipboard method for eliminating lunch when seas become rough. This is best done in proximity of a gunwale.

Hull - A famous hockey player (Bobby).

Keel - A stopping device for your boat. It works by contacting the bottom of the water body you are in, thus inhibiting forward motion.

Keys - These items are used for opening locks and lockers aboard your boat, starting the engine and things of that nature. Keys can usually be found in the water beneath your boat. Also a place in Florida.

Lee - A famous Civil War general. Also meaning away from the wind.

Line “ What you feed your spouse in order to obtain funding for additional boat-related purchases.

Mess “ A term indicative of food, more indicative of the way shipboard galleys usually look.

No Wake Zone - An area of a waterway in which you are prohibited from waking people who may be sleeping.

Overboard - A term describing the final resting-place for anything expensive dropped while on board a boat.

PFD - Acronym for Personal Floatation Device. This is a multifunction device normally used as a cushion, packing material or sponge. The Coast Guard requires one for each person on board to ensure they have something soft to sit on in case standard seating is limited.

Port “ This is what you drink when you are on the boat. Also the left side of the boat, also a place where boats congregate.

Propeller - A metal thing that looks like a fan and is attached to your motor. Propellers typically do not have the same number of blades they came with. The propeller is a dual-purpose item. It both propels your boat through the water and catches stray dock and rigging lines before they can harm wildlife.

Rudder - This is the device that steers your boat. The rudder is usually the first part of your boat to come off when you hit a rock.

Rock - These are devices used to remove rudders from boats. Also what your boat does just after you fill all your glasses to the brim with port.

Sailboat Race “ Two or more sailboats headed in approximately the same direction.

Stern - The flat, back end of your vessel, included so you have a place to paint the name of your boat. This does not apply to Hans Christian and similar boats because they have points on both ends and you don't want to risk sounding incompetent when trying to determine which is which.

Through-the-hull fitting - A leak.

Topsides “ The part of the boat that is not in the water. Also what you should not be caught looking at if you are a married male.

Voyage “ Any boat journey long enough to require at least two separate uses of the Head2, not counting the one that occurs within 10 minutes of leaving the dock.

Wake - This event is part of a funeral and often confused with boating. Also what boaters participate in (their own) when they do not practice safe boating.

Wave “ A unique feature of water that enables it to gain entry into your boat.

Yacht “ When discussing boats, if the other is determined to be smaller than yours, it is then customary to refer to yours as a yacht.

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Post by Bob » Aug Tue 02, 2005 8:50 am

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches
straight up to the counter and says "Hi...You Know,
I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your
timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from
a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard
for his nymphomaniac daughter.

You will have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he
will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours,
meals will be provided.

You will be expected to escort her on her overseas
holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll have a two bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary in $200,000 a year.

The guy says, "you're bull [expletive]' me. "

The social worker says, "yeah, well , you started it."
[img]http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y59/Sanmel/BobSig2.jpg[/img]
[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Post by Jimmy Mac » Aug Tue 02, 2005 2:00 pm

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better

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Post by Big Al » Aug Tue 02, 2005 4:33 pm

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable
infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off!
The woman then tosses it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12-year-old daughter.
The little girl is just chatting away with her father when all of a sudden
the penis smacks on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Not wanting to expose his 12-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such
a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says,
"Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

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Post by Jimmy Mac » Aug Wed 03, 2005 12:55 pm

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley." :wink:

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Post by Speedy Gonzalez » Aug Thu 04, 2005 12:36 pm

¿Cuántos políticos toma para cambiar un lightbulb? Dos. Uno para cambiarlo, y otro para cambiarlo detrás otra vez. :D

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Post by Toolguy2 » Aug Thu 04, 2005 12:51 pm

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls
and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground
after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward
off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric
acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which
is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside,
it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours
of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the
object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
Toolguy 2

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

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Post by Jimmy Mac » Aug Wed 10, 2005 3:02 pm

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March."

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Post by Hurricane » Aug Wed 10, 2005 3:12 pm

:lol: :lol:

I suppose the single pack ones are for Santa Claus !! :oops: :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Hurricane » Aug Wed 10, 2005 3:20 pm

"Artificial Respiration"

While leading a party of Girl Scouts through the woods in silent Indian fashion, the troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in an indecent act.

"Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!"

But it was too late. Several of the girls had more or less seen it all. They asked their leader what was happening.

"Well, if you must know, that man and woman were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration."

"Wow!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next." :D
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Bob » Aug Thu 11, 2005 8:20 pm

George was fixing the front door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Louise to the hardware store to buy one.
At the hardware store Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top
shelf while she was waiting for Henry, the manager, to finish waiting on another customer.
When Henry was finished, Louise asked, "How much for the teapot?" Henry replied, "That's real silver and it costs $500." "My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!" Louise exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that George had sent her to buy, and Henry went to the back room to find it.
From the back Henry yelled, "Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Louise hollered back,

Are you ready for this :?:

v
v
v








"No, but I will for the teapot!" :twisted: :roll:
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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Post by Hurricane » Aug Sat 13, 2005 7:48 am

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours. "
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How
long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3
hours."
The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

"The barber looks around the shop and says "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow
that guy and see where he goes. :?

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. :lol:

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes, barely able to contain himself, and says:

"YOUR HOUSE !!"
:shock:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Jimmy Mac » Aug Sat 13, 2005 12:31 pm

What Is A Million Years?

A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God.

"God? You there, God?" he asked

"Yes. What is it, my son?" God answered.

"Mind if I ask a few questions?" the man asked.

"Go ahead, my son, anything."

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God answered, "A million years to me is only a second."

The man asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God replied, "A million dollars to me is worth only a penny."

The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question.

"God, can I have a penny?"

God answered, "Sure, give me a second."

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Post by Bob » Aug Sun 14, 2005 7:56 pm

**Lovemaking Tips For Seniors:***

** 1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in****bed**** with you.**
** 2. Set timer for 2 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.**
** 3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!**
** 4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.**
** 5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.**
** 6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.**
** 7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.**
** 8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.**
** 9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.**
** 10. Don't even think about trying it twice*** :roll: :roll:
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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Post by Bob » Aug Sun 14, 2005 8:10 pm

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. It's a hooker. He'd never been with a hooker before.

"Twenty bucks," she says.

He decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face!" :lol:
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Post by whoknew » Aug Mon 15, 2005 10:28 am

what's the difference between a corvette and a pile of dead babies?
^
^
^
i don't have a corvette in my garage...
^
how do you make a dead baby float?
^
^
^
a cup of root beer, some ice cream, and two dead babies...
^
(i am not responsible for any harm done by these jokes)
Life isn't wat its cracked up to be is it?

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CLEAN SWEEP

Post by Bob » Aug Fri 19, 2005 7:26 pm

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this? :)
























"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!" :roll:

Oh for goodness sake...laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to enjoy ..... even these silly little cute ..... and clean jokes


Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol:
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Post by Big Al » Aug Sat 20, 2005 5:48 am

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn.

He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?" The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

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Post by Hurricane » Aug Sat 20, 2005 8:29 pm

Since it is so quiet on the Forum...
Let me give you a chuckle or two !! :D

"A quick blast of motoring offences"

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom." :lol:


An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.
"These flies are terrible," the trooper complained.
"Yep," the farmer said. "Those are circle flies."
"What's a circle fly?"
"Them flies that circle a horse's ass," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."
"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" The trooper angrily asked.
"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied.
"But you just can't fool them flies. :lol:


On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the d$ck underneath the horse, instead of on top." :roll: :lol:


Doing 120 in a 65, he knew he was in trouble when the cop pulled in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 130, 140, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. 170, 180, still could not ditch the cop. Giving up he pulled over.
The cop approached the car," Give me one damn good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen"
"Well, he stated, " Just last week my wife ran off with a cop."
"SO WHAT!!!" the cop screamed.
"I thought you were trying to bring her back." :shock: :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Hurricane » Aug Sun 21, 2005 5:55 pm

"Stranded On a Desert Island "

A man stranded on a desert island comes across a woman who has washed up onto shore. The man helps the woman and welcomes her to the island.

Later on that day, the woman says, "I don't suppose you smoked before you were stranded on this island, did you?"

The man explains that he did smoke before becoming stranded on the island. So, the woman produces a cigarette from her bag, and they enjoy a smoke together.

A little later, the woman says, "I don't suppose you drank before you were stranded on this island, did you?"

The man explains that he did drink before becoming stranded on the island. So, the woman produces a flask from her bag, and they enjoy a drink together.

Some time later, the woman says, "So, you've been on this island for ten years without a woman, huh?"

"That's right," says the man.

The woman continue, "I don't suppose you'd like to play around?"

"Good God lady," exclaimed the man, "you have a set of clubs in that bag too!' :shock: :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Bob » Aug Sun 21, 2005 9:50 pm

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it
onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out ........

"SH*T... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"
:roll:
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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

Post by Bob » Aug Sun 21, 2005 10:12 pm

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Are any of those people in your house" and he said, "No." Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Post by Hurricane » Aug Mon 22, 2005 12:09 am

"A Newborn Baby Way Out In The Boondocks"

A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no
one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor
lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get
him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there
in the first place!" :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Hurricane » Aug Mon 22, 2005 12:43 pm

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby but
unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the
hospital, Johnny's family was invited
over to see the baby. Before they left their house,
Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and
explained that the baby had no ears. His dad
also told him that if he so much as
mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or
even said the word ears he would
get the spanking of his life when they came back
home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood
completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a
beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little
feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose
and really beautiful eyes." "Can he see?"
asked Little Johnny. "Yes", the mother replied, "we
are so thankful; the doctor said he will have 20/20
vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd
be [expletive] outta luck if he needed glasses."
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Hurricane » Aug Thu 25, 2005 12:37 pm

"At the Military Base"

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

"Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback"

No answer.

"Seeback!"

No answer was heard again.

"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Big Al » Aug Thu 25, 2005 7:08 pm

This will get me in trouble


On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe
storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing
is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the
front
of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells,
"Well,
if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
Is
there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous,
tall, built, with reddish-blond hair and hazel eyes, he starts to walk
slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt

.....one button at a time.

......No one moves.

......He removes his shirt.

....Muscles ripple across his chest

.....he whispers:

..."Iron this."
:lol:

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Post by Max » Aug Thu 25, 2005 8:37 pm

Excellent joke!

:lol:

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Post by Hurricane » Aug Thu 25, 2005 8:59 pm

I would be very Happy to iron for him. :D

*
*
*
*
*
Iron the ripples from across his chest !! :P :lol: :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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