Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Hurricane » Feb Fri 11, 2005 10:33 pm

:D Hey, Bob, maybe that Mechanic needs Max drink. I mean the Sergeant's drink. :D
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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Max » Feb Mon 14, 2005 11:44 am

A farmer got pulled over by a Lansing Police Officer for speeding, and the officer started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the officer got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The officer stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are; I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The officer says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The officer says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
The worst offense that can be committed by a polemic is to stigmatize those who hold a contrary opinion as bad and immoral men. John Stuart Mill, 1806-73

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do."
Benjamin Franklin,

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Hurricane » Feb Tue 15, 2005 10:50 pm

Anybody have more jokes tonight? I'm having a hard time with emotional swings (Clipper), I need a diversion.
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Watchutalkinbout' » Feb Tue 15, 2005 10:58 pm

I'm really bad at jokes.....I seriously only have about 2 memorized. Here is one of them.

How is going camping similar to riding golf carts?
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There both intense!

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Hurricane » Feb Tue 15, 2005 11:01 pm

Watchutalkinbout.. you're good with joke as I am. :)
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by goodguy » Feb Tue 15, 2005 11:21 pm

Wait until the weekend, then go to the wacky forum of the Ford flat rate tech forum. Really, that is not a joke. Mechanics really do seem to have a sense of humor. I guess you have to when you lift the hood and try to find the motor, let alone work on it. It is only on the weekends.

http://flatratetech.com/cgi-bin/ubbcgi/ultimatebb.cgi

At the risk or repeating, I just do not recall if this was posted, the ultimate blond joke.

A blond speeding in a sports car gets pulled over by a blond cop. The blond cop asks for the license. After rummaging around in her purse for awhile, the blond says "I don't remember what it looks like". The blond cop says "a little thing like a credit card with your picture on it". Just as the cop says that, the blond comes across the mirror from her compact, sees herself in it and hands it to the cop. The blond cop looks at it and says "Oh, you can go, I didn't know you were a cop."

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Hurricane » Feb Tue 15, 2005 11:28 pm

"Here's your sign" for the two of them. ;)
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Max » Feb Tue 15, 2005 11:31 pm

Try this, Hurricane,

The Washington Post once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners.

1. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v) Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financally impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n) Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n) A degenerate disease.

9. Karmageddon (n) It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.) The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v) All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

16. Ignoranus (n) A person who's both stupid and an [expletive].

A new medical sub-specialty has been created to study and treat this phemomenon - Neuroproctology - the study of people whose brains are up their butt.
The worst offense that can be committed by a polemic is to stigmatize those who hold a contrary opinion as bad and immoral men. John Stuart Mill, 1806-73

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do."
Benjamin Franklin,

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Max » Feb Tue 15, 2005 11:35 pm

WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS A DONKEY WITH AN ONION?

Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears. But, every once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes
The worst offense that can be committed by a polemic is to stigmatize those who hold a contrary opinion as bad and immoral men. John Stuart Mill, 1806-73

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do."
Benjamin Franklin,

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Max » Feb Tue 15, 2005 11:38 pm

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
The worst offense that can be committed by a polemic is to stigmatize those who hold a contrary opinion as bad and immoral men. John Stuart Mill, 1806-73

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do."
Benjamin Franklin,

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Hurricane » Feb Tue 15, 2005 11:39 pm

These are good. :D

I knew I could count on you two, thanks. ;)

<small>[ 02-15-2005, 11:41 PM: Message edited by: Hurricane ]</small>
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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Max » Feb Tue 15, 2005 11:41 pm

A Swiss scientist has invented a revolutionary new bra!

It offers more support which will prevent a woman's breasts from bouncing around, and will keep her nipples hidden,..........even in cold temperatures.

After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside where a large group of men beat the crap out of him.
The worst offense that can be committed by a polemic is to stigmatize those who hold a contrary opinion as bad and immoral men. John Stuart Mill, 1806-73

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do."
Benjamin Franklin,

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Max » Feb Tue 15, 2005 11:43 pm

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

The pastor replied . . . "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said . . "Oh, $20,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed . . . "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession," the pastor says.

"Where does he practice?"

The old lady says proudly, "Well, he has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
The worst offense that can be committed by a polemic is to stigmatize those who hold a contrary opinion as bad and immoral men. John Stuart Mill, 1806-73

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do."
Benjamin Franklin,

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Hurricane » Feb Tue 15, 2005 11:44 pm

Thanks for the "up-lift"... in my mood, that is. ;)
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Max » Feb Tue 15, 2005 11:47 pm

SON OF A BITCH FISH

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch.

What should I do with it?" "Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!" Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch."

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?" "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishops' dinner."

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish."

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!

Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.

The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said,

"You ****ers are my kind of people."
The worst offense that can be committed by a polemic is to stigmatize those who hold a contrary opinion as bad and immoral men. John Stuart Mill, 1806-73

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do."
Benjamin Franklin,

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Max » Feb Tue 15, 2005 11:49 pm

THE SMALL BUSINESS OWNER

A man owned a small farm in West Texas. The Wage and Hour Department of Texas had been told that he wasn't paying proper wages to his help, and they sent an agent to check.
 
   "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
 
   "Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.
 
   The cook has been here for 18 months, and pay I her $500 a week plus free room and board.
 
   Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy his chewing tobacco," replied the farmer.
 
   "That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.
 
   The farmer says, "That would be me."
The worst offense that can be committed by a polemic is to stigmatize those who hold a contrary opinion as bad and immoral men. John Stuart Mill, 1806-73

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do."
Benjamin Franklin,

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Max » Feb Tue 15, 2005 11:55 pm

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was
without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."

Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old"

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.
The worst offense that can be committed by a polemic is to stigmatize those who hold a contrary opinion as bad and immoral men. John Stuart Mill, 1806-73

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do."
Benjamin Franklin,

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Max » Feb Tue 15, 2005 11:58 pm

That's all for tonight. I hope it helped your mood a little.

Sweet dreams.
The worst offense that can be committed by a polemic is to stigmatize those who hold a contrary opinion as bad and immoral men. John Stuart Mill, 1806-73

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do."
Benjamin Franklin,

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Hurricane » Feb Tue 15, 2005 11:59 pm

Helped my mood? Oh, my goodness... I'm splitting a gut laughing. Thank you!!! I love you guys. ;)
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Bob » Feb Thu 17, 2005 6:55 pm

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week, I got a call from
the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year
and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy, oh boy, did we go around!

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had
told me last year...that in one year the windows would pay for
themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up,
and he hasn't called back. Guess he felt really stupid, huh??? :D
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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Bob » Feb Thu 17, 2005 7:04 pm

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said,"Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." " Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in ! an even tone. Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
;)
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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Hurricane » Feb Thu 17, 2005 7:05 pm

Oh, slap you silly !!! At first, I thought you were talking about yourself. :D

(Oops, response to the un-paid window joke)

<small>[ 02-17-2005, 07:07 PM: Message edited by: Hurricane ]</small>
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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Mugwump » Feb Thu 17, 2005 7:18 pm

OH, BEHAVE!!!
[b]
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. ~Mahatma Gandhi

[/b]

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Bob » Feb Mon 21, 2005 8:11 am

RANCH HAND WANTED

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought about it a long time, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

However one o'clock came and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty.

Upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,



"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."
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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Max » Feb Mon 21, 2005 11:30 am

INTERESTING OBSERVATIONS ON AMERICAN LIFE WITH AN AMAZING CONCLUSION:

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become
The worst offense that can be committed by a polemic is to stigmatize those who hold a contrary opinion as bad and immoral men. John Stuart Mill, 1806-73

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do."
Benjamin Franklin,

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Jackster » Feb Mon 21, 2005 11:43 am

Max, that Son of a Bitch fish story is tff. :D

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Hurricane » Feb Mon 21, 2005 2:56 pm

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Kurt Schluter » Feb Mon 21, 2005 3:07 pm

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Hurricane » Feb Mon 21, 2005 3:14 pm

I've never used condoms myself. :D
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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Ms. Karaoke » Feb Mon 21, 2005 3:49 pm

Originally posted by Hurricane:
I've never used condoms myself. ;)
:eek: That's what we call a "too much information situation", Hurricane.
:eek:
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[color=blue][b]Women might be able to fake orgasms,
but men can fake a whole relationship.[/b]

http://www.959watd.com[/color]

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Hurricane » Feb Mon 21, 2005 3:55 pm

and my next sentence was.. Maybe I'll use them on my Marlboro. :D
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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Hurricane » Feb Mon 21, 2005 8:18 pm

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.

"Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."

"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains."
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Jack Reynolds
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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Jack Reynolds » Feb Tue 22, 2005 10:00 am

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
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Out of a catalog!
Georgia on my mind,
Marshfield in my heart
and the armed forces in my prayers.

Hurricane
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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Hurricane » Feb Wed 23, 2005 11:41 pm

A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave side service for a man who died with no family or friends. The funeral was held way back in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way. When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch.

The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place, but still he poured out his heart and preached an impassioned and lengthy service.

Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness.

As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking to another worker: "I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen anything like that before. It sort of gives new meaning to the term "Holy Sh*t."
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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cariana2000
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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by cariana2000 » Mar Tue 01, 2005 3:36 pm

A new joke I found.

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Heres a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work
and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the
Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top

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Post by Max » Mar Fri 11, 2005 8:16 pm

"The Old Veteran"
A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $8000 and feels great about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," was the reply.
"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl,"How old do you think I am?"
"I guess about 29."
The woman excitedly replies, "Nope, I'm 47!"
Now she's feeling really great about herself. She stops in a drugstore on her way . . . down the street . . . asking everyone her question.
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old Veteran the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds kind of forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." The Veteran slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
After a couple of minutes of this she says "Okay, okay, that's enough, .....how old am I?"
The old Veteran completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible! How could you possibly know that from a feel of my breasts?"
The old Veteran replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

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Post by Max » Mar Fri 11, 2005 8:17 pm

Sorry. Double post
Last edited by Max on Mar Sat 12, 2005 12:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

wiccanwitch
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Post by wiccanwitch » Mar Sat 12, 2005 8:22 am

LOL........

I had heard that one before Max!!

Funny!!!
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~WW~

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Post by Hurricane » Mar Sat 12, 2005 11:17 am

A not so young woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came." :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Bob
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Post by Bob » Mar Sat 12, 2005 8:15 pm

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, Mate, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm
fine now."

"Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword
fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up
and one of them shat in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye, just
from some bird [expletive]."

"Well, it was my first day with the hook."
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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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