Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

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Hurricane
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Post by Hurricane » Mar Sat 12, 2005 8:17 pm

OUCH !!!!!!!!!! I bet that hurt !! :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

dtpfv1.0

Post by dtpfv1.0 » Mar Sat 12, 2005 8:18 pm

Ted Kennedy, Kitty Dukakis and Joe Namath walked into a bar...

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Post by Irish Princess » Mar Sat 12, 2005 8:19 pm

do you mean stumble into the bar? :lol:
Make Good Choices

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Post by Bob » Mar Sat 12, 2005 11:19 pm

A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of
gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female became very difficult
to
handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem.
The
gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla
available.



Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Ted
Standen,
a redneck part-time intern who was responsible for cleaning the animal's
cages. Ted, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample
ability to satisfy a female of any species The administrator thought
they
might have a solution. Ted was approached with a proposition. Would he
be
willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Ted showed some interest,
but
said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following
day,
Ted announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the
following
four conditions.



1 "First," Ted said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The
park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.



2. "Second", Ted said, "you must never tell anyone about this". The park
administrator again readily agreed to this condition.



3. "Third," Ted said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern
Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.



4. And last of all Ted stated "You've got to give me another week to
come up
with the $500.00.
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Post by Bob » Mar Thu 17, 2005 2:43 pm

Irish Gas Station :arrow:



Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish Gas Station.



An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the Golf Pro is.



"Top o' the mornin' to ya".



As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.



"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.



"They're called tees," replies Tiger.



"And what would ya be usin' em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.



"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.



"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything"!! :lol: :lol:
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Post by Bob » Mar Mon 21, 2005 9:48 am

Angry about having to complete his farm duties before breakfast, a little boy stomps outside to feed the animals. When he gets over to the chickens, he kicks one of them. Then he goes to feed the cows and kicks one of them as well. Next, he kicks a pig. Back inside, his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs or bacon?" he whines, "And why is there no milk in my cereal?" Well his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick a pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week, and I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk for a week either." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The boy looks up at his mother with a big smile and says "So, are you going to tell him or should I?"
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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Post by Bob » Mar Fri 25, 2005 8:47 am

Broke is broke (love this one)]



Broke is Broke

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "

"Good morning", said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. "

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Post by Hurricane » Mar Sat 26, 2005 8:31 pm

The Hikers

One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."

Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge. :wink: :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Bob » Mar Sat 26, 2005 8:37 pm

OUCH :!: :!: :lol: :lol:
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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Post by Hurricane » Mar Sat 26, 2005 8:58 pm

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes, Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks,"Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Riffraff » Mar Sat 26, 2005 11:20 pm

Hurricane that was good!

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Post by Hurricane » Mar Sun 27, 2005 9:50 pm

God's Creation

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God made you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me, too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately." :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by bobkat » Mar Tue 29, 2005 8:31 am

Mary O'Higgins went to Sunday Mass as she did every Sunday

Father O'Grady while saying Mass noticed that there were tears in Mary's eyes.

After Mass Farther O'Grady said Mary O'higgins what is your trouble.

Mary O'Higgins answered Father my husband passed last night.

Father O'Grady then said that is terrible Mary O'Higgins and went on to say did your husband have a finale request.

Mary O'Higgins answered indeed he did Father.

Father O'Grady said what was it Mary

Mary O'Higgins answered Farther his request was Mary Please put down the gun

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Hurricane » Mar Wed 12, 2008 9:08 pm

I found this old joke thread and I thought you would like to enjoy it again.
Something to lighten up your day. :D

"Don't Make a Nurse Angry"

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was
a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his
employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and
announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something.
Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.

He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing.
After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen
someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway." :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Hurricane » Mar Sat 15, 2008 9:56 pm

"Scotch & Water"

An old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her a drink she says, "It's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink.
In fact I'll take care of this one for you."

As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink too."

The 80 year-old woman says, "Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"Alright" says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one too."

The old woman says, "Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"Comin' right up" the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"

The woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you can't hold your water. :wink:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Hurricane » Apr Tue 01, 2008 2:38 pm

Be careful what you wish for !!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.
What a day !!

He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster...everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous ad venture !!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again ?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass !!" :roll:

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.
Oops !! :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Fergudi » Apr Tue 01, 2008 6:09 pm

Good Old George

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several
members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to
maintain
their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a
new
church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked
in
front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George
(and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was
doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and t hen just
turned
and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's
house. Walked home and left it there all night.

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Hurricane » Apr Tue 01, 2008 6:12 pm

Pay back IS sweet !! :toothy:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by kevinm » Jun Fri 18, 2010 11:57 pm

Bob wrote:A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank.
The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing.
The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows.
The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.
The farmer looks very pleased "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence,
and has serviced all my neighbor's cows."
"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.
"I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."
Probably the real story of how Viagra was discovered :lol:

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Bob » Aug Sat 07, 2010 9:18 pm

I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions said, remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Roadking » Feb Sun 13, 2011 12:18 pm

One dark night in the small town of Garfield , NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives.. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'

Bill

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Re: DBarry Far leftist??

Post by specialties » Jun Fri 08, 2012 7:45 am

The issue remains as fresh as todays headlines, as Romney argues that Obama is trying to move the United States toward European-style social democracy, which was precisely the New Partys goal.
Got a copy, donks?? Go to Hellas...
After allegations surfaced in early summer over the -New Partys endorsement of Obama, the Obama campaign along with the remnants of the New Party and Democratic Socialists of America claimed that Obama was never a member of either organization. The DSA and -New Party then systematically attempted to cover up any ties between Obama and the Socialist Organizations. However, it now appears that Barack Obama was indeed a certified and acknowledged member of the DSAs New Party.

On Tuesday, I discovered a web page that had been scrubbed from the New Partys website. The web page which was published in October 1996, was an internet newsletter update on that years congressional races. Although the web page was deleted from the New Partys website, the non-profit Internet Archive Organization had archived the page.
First it was the CHURCH, then the FAMILY, and now the NATION...

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Re: DBarry Far leftist??

Post by DTI » Jun Fri 08, 2012 8:16 am

specialties wrote:
Got a copy, donks?? Go to Hellas...
The guy reminds me of Rush Limbaugh, always using the terms "commie' and "fascist". Funny how Rush calls women "feminazis", when he sounds like a Nazi, himself. Rush & this guy ought to hook up.

This guy would make a perfect Republican! He is already calling everyone who opposes him a communist or a socialist

The Republicans are the problem,
Ideologically extreme, scornful of compromise, unmoved by conventional understanding of facts, evidence and science..

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Re: Joke thread, couldn't find the old one

Post by Roadking » Apr Sat 20, 2013 11:17 pm

A Nun is taking a bath and there is a knock on the door

"Who is it, I'm taking a bath" she says

"It's the blind man" he says

She says "okay then, come in"

He comes in and says "nice tits, where do you want the blinds"


Bill

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