Time for some laughs!

Share your jokes here. Browse for a chuckle.
Hurricane
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Hurricane » Sep Tue 04, 2007 12:54 am

Jack Reynolds wrote:Sally, you have clipper's sense of humor. Good for you.
:D :D :D :D Jack
Maybe he got it from me !!! :laughing:

Our sense of humor are alike and that could be, because we were together for so long.
You could say, we did rub off on each other. :headbang:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Bob
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Where's Herman?

Post by Bob » Sep Tue 04, 2007 7:39 am

Where's Herman?
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountainman, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoonthe Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Armydentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.



The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
:shock: :lol: :lol:
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Kurt Schluter
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Kurt Schluter » Sep Tue 18, 2007 5:00 pm

THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go,
they
take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEYGET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

AND:

Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
Make America Great Again!
Trump/Pence 2016

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Big Al
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Big Al » Sep Fri 28, 2007 1:32 pm

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.


Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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Jack Reynolds
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YA KNOW HOW TO HURT!!!!

Post by Jack Reynolds » Sep Fri 28, 2007 2:56 pm

Darn, you folks know how to hurt an old feller.
Georgia on my mind,
Marshfield in my heart
and the armed forces in my prayers.

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Re: YA KNOW HOW TO HURT!!!!

Post by Hurricane » Sep Fri 28, 2007 10:38 pm

Jack Reynolds wrote:Darn, you folks know how to hurt an old feller.
Oh my God ... these guys are killing my sides. :laughing: :laughing:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Bob
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Sep Sat 29, 2007 9:53 pm

You know you are a true redneck if..
1. If you have a complete set of salad
bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on
the side........ :wink:
2. If the biggest city you've ever been
to is Wal-Mart........... :headbang:
3. If your working TV sits on top of your
non-working TV..... :)
4. If you thought the Unibomber was a
wrestler.......
5. If you've ever used your ironing board
as a buffet table.... :headbang:
6. If you think a quarter horse is the ride
in front of the K-Mart.... :oops: :laughing:
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Bob
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Sep Sat 29, 2007 9:57 pm

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he
notices his friend is very well endowed.

"Damn Bob , you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each
night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made
it grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks
Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob , but I've actually gotten
smaller! I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."



Wait for it ...........

Wait ...............




"Crisco!!?" Bob exclaimed. "Damm it, Jim , Crisco is shortening!


MORAL: You gotta follow the recipe!!! :banghead:


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Rexhammer » Oct Tue 02, 2007 1:48 pm

Top 15 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

15 They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

14 This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

13 Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."

12 I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

11 This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

10 I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

9 Actually I was doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan"(SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."

8 I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

7 Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

6 The coffee machine is broke...."

5 Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

4 Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

3 Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

2 I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

1 Amen."

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Big Al
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Big Al » Oct Wed 03, 2007 5:21 pm

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have y ou got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Bu tt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Roadking » Oct Thu 11, 2007 5:24 pm

IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London .
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and
placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a
drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen
whores than let liquor
touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me, too, I didn't know
we had a choice."

Bill

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by sportnut » Oct Fri 12, 2007 10:16 pm

You could say, we did rub off on each other.
I can't believe noone touched this one in over a month- you are BAD!!!
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Hurricane » Oct Sat 13, 2007 6:37 am

sportnut wrote:
You could say, we did rub off on each other.
I can't believe noone touched this one in over a month- you are BAD!!!
It crossed my mind, afterwards, that somebody would take my comment the way you did. :lol:
I was going to rephrase it but I thought I got away with it, so I let it be.
I'm not surprised that it was you that caught it. :laughing:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Toolguy2 » Oct Wed 17, 2007 1:31 pm

SUBJECT: POTATO WORKOUT!!

A friend sent me this simple excercise regime. As many of us on the list
are at or past an age where physical fitness is an easy attainment I
thought I would pass the routine along.

My friend suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a
comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out
from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach
a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this
position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 15-lb.
potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a
25-lb. potato-sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full
minute.




Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
sacks.
:shock:
Toolguy 2

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - Albert Einstein

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Swamp Yankee » Oct Thu 18, 2007 4:35 pm

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
> humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his
> patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
>
>
>
>
>
> 1. 'Take it easy, Doc, You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
>
>
>
> 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
>
>
>
> 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
>
>
>
> 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
>
>
>
> 5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
>
>
>
> 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
>
>
>
> 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
>
>
>
> 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
>
>
>
> 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
>
>
>
> 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
>
>
>
> 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
> And the best one of all..
>
>
>
> 12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there
>
>
>
>

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Oct Wed 31, 2007 10:30 am

A man from Texas , driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do..."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan "Why, actually, yes, I do." I do too! See? It's, right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

(It's ok... The joke is CLEAN.)


The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?" "Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls.

"The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT???. :shock: :lol:
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Nov Mon 26, 2007 11:47 am

GUESS IT IS UP TO ME TO KEEP THIS THREAD GOING! :shock:

Medical warning...loss of appetite...

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. "a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food, Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie
chicken or tasty stir fry He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra....I'm
still not hungry.

" Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Big Al » Nov Fri 30, 2007 3:56 am

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to fly
> to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be
> gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that
> promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for
> 3day weekend....and also get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?
> We're leaving at 4:30pm
> from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up."
> "Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."
> The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but, being the good wife, she
> does exactly what her husband asked.
> Following the long weekend, he cam e home a little tired, but,
> otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he
> caught many fish?
> He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. But why
> didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?
>
> You'll love the answer...
>
> The wife replies, " I did, they're in your tackle box".

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Kurt Schluter
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Kurt Schluter » Dec Sat 01, 2007 8:24 pm

Did you hear about the new wonder drug that is a combination of Viagra and ExLax??

































Its so you can come and go at the same time!! :lol:
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Bob
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Dec Thu 13, 2007 2:20 pm

runnind a marathon


woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window. Its raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast her eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

Nope........ .just when it's raining :lol:
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by wannaB » Jan Wed 09, 2008 8:16 am

Redneck Men pick up lines

1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to check you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.


and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up
Friends are gods way of making up for relatives!!

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Bob
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Jan Fri 11, 2008 10:28 am

SNOW WHITE AND TRAGEDY

Subject: Snow White

The seven dwarfs always left early each morning to go work in the mine. As
always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores. As lunchtime
approached, she would prepare their lunch
and carry it to the mine.

One day, as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had
been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping
against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

'Hello, hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'

For a long while, there was no answer!

Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'

Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from
deep within the mine: 'Vote for Hillary, Vote for Hillary.'

Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself, and prayed, 'Oh, thank you,
God! At least Dopey is still alive!!!'
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Bob
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Feb Mon 04, 2008 2:48 pm

G. W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.

Clinton was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Hurricane » Feb Wed 06, 2008 10:17 am

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and
asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.

He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc.
He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love...
He thinks what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to tell it all
is the only way to tell truth.

The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new
knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So why did you wish to know about sex?"

"Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Bob
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Feb Fri 08, 2008 11:33 am

Cup of Tea,anyone ?


A 3 YEAR OLD


One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

...Mothers know!! :lol: :lol:
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Feb Fri 15, 2008 10:58 am

The nagging wife


An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.


His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.


As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night is this to be getting home? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on!!!!!!



Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.



While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.



Finally, realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.



As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.



"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around and screamed,



"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Hurricane » Feb Fri 15, 2008 2:45 pm

New Healthcare Techniques

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital."How are you grandpa?
he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem, nine hours solid every night.
At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

"What are you people doing,"he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis.
Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of
hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well.
The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by CoorsLightKid » Feb Wed 20, 2008 1:16 pm

A man is out with his buddies one night having a couple of beers when the subject of sex comes up. Of course, men being men, their stories of conquests continue to grow larger and larger the more and more they drink.

They notice that one buddy has been quiet throughout the conversation. They ask him what his deal is. He states that if it weren't for help from a deaf friend, he's never have sex.

His buddies are puzzled on how a deaf man could help him. He tells them..

"My wife was never in the mood. No matter what I did, she never wanted to have sex. I saw my friend one night, and we signed about it."

"He signed that he had had the same problem with his wife as well. He told his wife that if she wanted to have sex, she should pull on his "manhood" 3 times. If she didn't, she should pull on it 75 times."

He told his buddies it was the best advice he had ever gotten.


Ahhh men, we always seem to get what we want anyway.

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by CITIZEN923 » Feb Sat 23, 2008 3:46 am

Caught Stealing


A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.

The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend.

Can you show me something less expensive?"
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by CITIZEN923 » Feb Sat 23, 2008 3:47 am

Calming Albert



In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."

A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."

The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert!"
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Feb Mon 25, 2008 2:13 pm

Body Builder


The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a great chest you have!'


He tells her, 'That's 180 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'?? ? He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massi ve calves youhave!' The body builder tells her, 'That's 180 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'???

He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.


The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was !!!!!! :shock: :shock: :( :D
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Feb Tue 26, 2008 1:42 pm

women golfers (I love this one!)








Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, How does that feel'?

He replied:

'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Hurricane » Feb Tue 26, 2008 2:45 pm

:shock: There goes my coffee !!
I didn't expect that one.
:laughing: :laughing: :laughing:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Hurricane » Mar Tue 04, 2008 12:37 pm

COWBOY WHISPERER

Cowboy: "That your dog?"
Indian: "Yep."
Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lies." :shock: :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Aging Aunt Mildred

Post by Bob » Mar Wed 12, 2008 6:54 pm

Aging Aunt Mildred
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was
particularly despondent over the recent death of her
husband. She decided that she would just kill
herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with
quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made
the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it
was badly broken in the first place.


Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a
vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her
doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where
the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said,
"Your heart would be just below your left breast".

Later that night........



Mildred was admitted to the
hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
:laughing: :laughing: :lol:
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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Hurricane » Mar Tue 18, 2008 11:20 pm

Grandmother in Court

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked," Mrs. Jones, do you know me? ''

She responded, '' Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'' The lawyer was stunned. :shock:

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, '' Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney? ''

She again replied, " Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'' :shock:
The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'' If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send both of your asses to the electric chair. '' :angry:

:lol: :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Mar Thu 27, 2008 6:46 pm

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money i! n tha t account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!

Don't mess with Old People.
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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Hurricane » Apr Sat 12, 2008 10:03 pm

Phone Call Home

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **


'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ...........**
**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*

:shock: Oops ... :toothy: :toothy:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Apr Sun 20, 2008 7:59 pm

3 women




Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The o ther night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, You are the woman of my life. I love you. Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didnt say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mothers house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,

Whats for dinner, Batman?_,_._,___
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Apr Mon 21, 2008 10:49 am

The Farmer Gets His First TV



A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they
would install the antenna and TV the next day. The next evening the farmer
turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The
next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again. When
he came in to eat lunch, he tried the TV again, but still only found
political ads. The next day when he still found only political ads he
called the store! to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for
every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their
repairman to check the TV. When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found
that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went
outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the
farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of
the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.
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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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