Time for some laughs!

Share your jokes here. Browse for a chuckle.
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Bob
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Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Mar Tue 20, 2007 7:00 pm

Cowboy Wisdom !!!!! must read

A young, well-educated man on a business trip gets on a plane to find himself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans and a cowboy hat. Thinking himself above the old cowboy, the young man decides to make sport of him. "You know," he says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk." :)

The cowboy looks at him wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right. What'd ya like to discuss?"

; >> "Oh, I don't know, "says the young man with a hint of sarcasm, "How about nuclear proliferation?" :roll:

"Hm m," sa ys the cowboy, sensing the young man's attempt to belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a question first -- horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff---grass. Yet, a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?" Dumbfounded, the young man replies, "I haven't the slightest idea." :oops:

"So tell me then," says the cowboy with a smile, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nukes when you don't know [expletive]?" :lol:
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Post by Big Al » Mar Wed 21, 2007 5:26 am

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun-dress, walked into a Pub in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The Pub went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The barman poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The barman approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"


The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

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Bob
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Post by Bob » Mar Wed 21, 2007 3:24 pm

Subject: Italian Loan



An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. ; >He tells the loan officer that he is going to Italy on business for two

weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Italian produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferr ari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which c omes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi- millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Italian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Ah, The Italians
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Post by Max » Mar Wed 21, 2007 6:55 pm

Bob,

You have the best humor. It makes my day.

Thanks.

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Post by Hurricane » Mar Wed 21, 2007 7:45 pm

At the Counselor's Office....

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied... "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Bob » Mar Thu 29, 2007 4:01 pm

Glad I'm all retired!



There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally,and by hand. This virus is called Win 32-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else, via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.

Purchase the antidote known as WORK-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Worth remembering: When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
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Post by Roadking » Mar Thu 29, 2007 5:34 pm

Bob, I can't tell a joke for beans, but I told a couple of people that Italian joke and they loved it, thanks.

Bill

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Post by Hurricane » Mar Thu 29, 2007 5:59 pm

"The General in the Military Hospital"

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately.

He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General."

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.

"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil? :shock: :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Bob » Apr Sun 01, 2007 5:31 pm

Ponderisms

I used to eat a lot of natural foods, until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
**
Gardening Rule:
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
**
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
**
Never take life seriously; nobody gets out alive anyway.
**
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
**
Life is sexually transmitted.
**
Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
**
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
**
Some people are like Slinkies.
Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
**
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
**
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder
these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
**
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
**
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
**
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
**
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
**
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly thingies here, and drink whatever comes out?"
**
Who was the first person to say "See that chicken over there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes
outta its butt."
**
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in
the freezer?
**
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
**
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
**
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
**
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
**
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
**
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
**
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
**
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
**
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
**
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address
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Post by kakid » Apr Mon 02, 2007 10:02 pm

:shock:
Tarzan Not Know Sex

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and
during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

Tarzan not know sex he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said oh,Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.

Horrified Jane said, Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how
to do it properly.

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. Here she said,
pointing to her privates, you must put it in here.

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually
she managed to gasp for air and screamed

What did you do that for?

Tarzan replied, Check for squirrel

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Post by Jack Reynolds » Apr Tue 03, 2007 11:40 am

8) I thought that Tarzan would first check for bees. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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and the armed forces in my prayers.

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Post by Bob » Apr Wed 04, 2007 11:21 am

Ladies...you are gonna love this one! A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she >>> noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby >>> cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 >>>feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman >>>walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her a short distance back, were >>>about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your >>>loss, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a >>>funeral like this.

"Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

"My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband >>>when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line." :lol:
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Post by Bob » Apr Thu 05, 2007 3:30 pm

First Time Sex




A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
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Post by Hurricane » Apr Thu 05, 2007 7:45 pm

Bob wrote: The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
:shock: :laughing: :laughing:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Post by Bob » Apr Fri 06, 2007 8:11 pm

Subject: Subject: Medical definitions


We've all heard about people having "guts" or "balls". But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

"GUTS" - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death!
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Post by Bob » Apr Sat 07, 2007 5:13 pm

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS (this was actually reported by a teacher)



After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their

holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They

used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to

Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to

look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags

because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it

fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they

don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all

jump up and down with hats on.



At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.

He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out.

They go cruising in their golf carts.



Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing

every night -- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The

ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.



My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment

and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll

house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
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Post by Bob » Apr Tue 10, 2007 6:57 pm

guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.


He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table.. whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to poop out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
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Post by Bob » Apr Tue 10, 2007 7:01 pm

About Those Church Hymns

A minister decided to do something a little different one
Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word
and you are going to help me preach.

Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn

that comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out "CROSS."

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,
"THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to
sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS
POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total
silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look
around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to
sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."
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Post by Big Al » Apr Wed 11, 2007 4:35 pm

I was really happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that as my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched h er delicious behind as she went up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the
front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car...

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Post by Bob » Apr Wed 18, 2007 10:35 am

The ultimate con man



Tax time


The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
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Post by R.E.Keener » Apr Thu 19, 2007 6:12 pm

I ran into a buddy the other day. I asked him how his wife was doing, He told me she was in bed with arthritis. I told him I was sorry to hear that and he replied "yeah me too, I gotta get rid of that damn Greek"

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Post by Bob » Apr Tue 24, 2007 8:55 am

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man

opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.



The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, " Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."



"CASE DISMISSED!!" :laughing: :laughing:
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Post by Pavel Checkov » Apr Tue 24, 2007 4:06 pm

Gorilla


A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom! She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now, tell him you have a headache."

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Post by Bob » Apr Sun 29, 2007 11:09 am

Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the
Pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.



One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
Maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week
Or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got
Together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable
To find out what had happened to him.



A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one
Day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was
Very excited and happy to see him and told him so.Then he said, "For crying
out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"



Bill replied, "I have been in jail."



"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world For?"



"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at The
coffee shop where we sometimes go?"



"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"



"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at

89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'
And the judge gave me 30 days for perjury!!!
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Post by Bob » May Fri 04, 2007 9:31 am

On the 2nd tee of the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair, it meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."



His wife was hurt, but said,"Dearest,those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.



On the 17th tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling,I've been so conscience-

stricken since you told me of your affair. Since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Thirty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me"



The husband froze at the top of his back swing, and then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers.



He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees!"





Some things are sacred.
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Post by The Pilot » May Fri 04, 2007 11:35 pm

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
It is time for us to realize that we're too great a nation to limit ourselves to small dreams. We're not, as some would have us believe, doomed to an inevitable decline.... We have every right to dream heroic dreams. --- Ronald Reagan

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Post by TimOne » May Mon 07, 2007 12:39 pm

Ireland Declares War with France

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next-door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

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Red Sox Jokes

Post by ms.lily » May Mon 14, 2007 8:32 am

Red Sox Jokes

On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Yankees fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Yankees fans. Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Yankees fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am a Red Sox fan, and proud of it," Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you a Red Sox fan?" "Because my mom is a Red Sox fan, and my dad is Red Sox fan, so I'm a Red Sox fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Red Sox fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were an idiot and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?" "Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Yankees fan."

***********************************************************************************************


A family of New York fans headed out one Saturday to shop for the youngest boy's birthday. While in the sports shop the son picks up a Red Sox jersey and says to his older sister, "I've decided to become a Red Sox fan and I would like this Boston jersey for my birthday." His big sister is outraged by this and>promptly whacks him upside his head and says, "Go talk to mother." Off
goes the little lad with the jersey in hand and finds his mother. "Mom?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday." The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father!" Off he goes with the Red Sox jersey in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Red Sox fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday." The father is
outraged and promptly whacks his son in the back of his head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been a Red Sox
fan for an hour and I already hate you Yankee bastards."


***********************************************************************************************


Four baseball fans - a Cubs fan, a Cardinals fan, a Red Sox fan, and a Yankees fan - are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more. The Cubs fan insists he is the most loyal. "This is for the Cubs!" he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Cardinals
fan shouts, "This is for the Cardinals!" and throws himself off the mountain. The Red Sox fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "This is for everyone!" and pushes the Yankees fan off.


***********************************************************************************************


A Red Sox fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Yankees fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them. One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest. "Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankees fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him.
But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. Not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, -￾Sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankees fan." "That's OK," replied the priest
"I got him with the door."

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Post by Bob » May Fri 18, 2007 7:00 pm

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick he ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!

Don't mess with Old People
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Post by The Pilot » May Fri 18, 2007 7:59 pm

A police officer pulls over a car load of nuns....

Officer: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Officer: "Oh Sister, that's not the speed limit. That's the name of the highway you're on!"

Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."

At this point the officer looks in the back seat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Officer: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."

Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."
It is time for us to realize that we're too great a nation to limit ourselves to small dreams. We're not, as some would have us believe, doomed to an inevitable decline.... We have every right to dream heroic dreams. --- Ronald Reagan

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Post by The Pilot » May Tue 22, 2007 9:46 pm

Hang on to any of the new Idaho Quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Idaho quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin operated devices. The problem lies in the unique design of the Idaho quarter, which was designed by a team of Idaho mountain specialists.

Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines.
It is time for us to realize that we're too great a nation to limit ourselves to small dreams. We're not, as some would have us believe, doomed to an inevitable decline.... We have every right to dream heroic dreams. --- Ronald Reagan

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Post by Bob » May Wed 23, 2007 9:04 am

Grammar lesson

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but
nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian
medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white
powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a
year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as
you wish!" :D

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say
is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again
for another year!" :cry:

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new power and prowess. That
night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his
most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed and lying next to her says,
softly, "123."

He immediately becomes more aroused than anytime in his life... just as
the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns
over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And that, my friends, is why you should never end a sentence with a
preposition. :wink: :cry:
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Post by The Pilot » May Wed 23, 2007 11:25 am

I don't usually post the off-color stuff but be warned, this one is a little blue...

"An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the
following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi."Okay",says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed
with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly:

"Now, THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
It is time for us to realize that we're too great a nation to limit ourselves to small dreams. We're not, as some would have us believe, doomed to an inevitable decline.... We have every right to dream heroic dreams. --- Ronald Reagan

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Blonde jokes

Post by Bob » Jun Sat 02, 2007 8:39 am

****************

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold." "Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked. "Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee." :roll:

*************** A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" :headbang:

******************

saved the Best for Last! This has to be one of the best blonde jokes around. this should make all you technologically challenged people feel GOOD:

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?" Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..." "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?" :beer: :laughing:
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by The Pilot » Jun Thu 07, 2007 9:43 pm

A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help. The right thing to do would be to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, dresses, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
It is time for us to realize that we're too great a nation to limit ourselves to small dreams. We're not, as some would have us believe, doomed to an inevitable decline.... We have every right to dream heroic dreams. --- Ronald Reagan

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by JIMD » Jun Sat 09, 2007 9:27 am

This bear walks into a bar and orders a gin and..........


















.....and tonic, The bartender ask why the big pause?

I'm a bear
Good Dog

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Jack Reynolds » Jun Sat 09, 2007 12:22 pm

:D Two Canadian men are walking along the beach in Old Orchard Beach in their speedo bathing suits. One of the guys says to the other "how do you attract all the women on the beach"?
The other guy says "I use a potato in my speedo".
The next day, the two men are again walking along the beach. One says to the other "I used the potato but, it didn't work". The other guy says "you're supposed to put the potato in the Front"
Jack
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and the armed forces in my prayers.

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by ms.lily » Jun Sat 09, 2007 7:33 pm

The Washcloth

This has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!


I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.
The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal.
Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."


I am NEVER going back to that doctor again! EVER!!!!!!
You shouldn't hang me on a hook, Johnny. My father hung me on a hook once. Once!

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Jun Mon 11, 2007 7:17 am

A little old lady is walking down the street in Green Bay WI., dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $50 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her."Ma'am, there are $50 bills falling out of that bag."Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some.
Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard butts up to the parking lot of Lambeau Field. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!". "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $50 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, Some guys think I'm bluffing! :lol:
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Jun Mon 11, 2007 8:32 am

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!" "IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.



Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to hurt. :roll:







"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!" :headbang:


Oh for goodness sake... laugh.... or at least groan. Life's too short not to enjoy... even these silly little cute..... and clean jokes.

DO YOU THINK SHE'S BEEN "SWEEPING" AROUND?
:oops: :laughing:
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[i]THE ANSWER IS MAYBE--AND THAT IS FINAL![/i]

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