Time for some laughs!

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Jan Mon 26, 2009 10:51 am

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.
'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off!.' You're going
to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge, a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't
believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and
he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"

You're laughing aren't you..... I know you
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Feb Fri 06, 2009 10:15 am

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa shows up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."


The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Feb Fri 20, 2009 10:50 am

Scottish Short Joke


A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Feb Sat 21, 2009 12:18 pm

When you're from the country you look at things a little different..........



A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.



'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.



'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'



'Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mom here?'



'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'



'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'



'He went with Mom and Dad.'



The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.



'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'



'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.'



The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that', he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.....

:shock: :banghead: :banghead:
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Hurricane » Feb Sat 21, 2009 9:08 pm

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed,
told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:
''God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.''

The father asked, ''Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?''

The little girl said, ''I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.''
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:
''God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.''
The next day the grandmother died.

''Holy [expletive] thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
''God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.''
He practically went into shock.

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there,
drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said ''I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?''

He said ''I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She said, ''You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.
This morning my Golf Pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!'' :shock:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Feb Mon 23, 2009 10:56 am

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize...you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your
stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down,
and that's when you realize, you have been listening to your ipod .
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Mar Thu 05, 2009 6:06 pm

LADY'S YEARLY EXAM

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 4,' I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2'.

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and
Slender! Now I'm short and fat!'

She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Mar Sun 15, 2009 9:20 pm

God & The Biker]
---

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want. The Lord said, 'That request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!

It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'Okay, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong", and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

And the Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Hurricane » Mar Sun 15, 2009 11:47 pm

Bob wrote: And the Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'
Typical man !!!!!
He doesn't want to take the effort to understand women. :lol: :lol:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Apr Wed 08, 2009 10:48 am

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.



"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."



"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. :shock: :o

Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling
then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she
was able to regain her composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the
nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as
a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell
me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied. :toothy: :laughing: :laughing:

Things went downhill from there.
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Hurricane » Jun Tue 02, 2009 12:01 pm

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ''Honk if you love Jesus'' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the "Hawaiian good luck sign" one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Fergudi » Jun Wed 03, 2009 4:32 pm

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER......

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on,

covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived

and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside

to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the

house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say

Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.

I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap

her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Moral: Make sure your stories match!!

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Jun Tue 16, 2009 11:13 am

Norwegian wrestler


A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler (just happened to be named Ole) were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.

“Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.' Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one h as ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts :shock: :D
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Jun Tue 16, 2009 9:20 pm

happy trails

After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ... OH MY GOD!'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'



One Irish passenger yelled,

'by Jaysus you should see the back of mine!' :laughing: :laughing:
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Fergudi » Jun Wed 17, 2009 4:32 pm

How to get to Heaven from Ireland

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and
gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything
tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.

' Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children,
and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'No!'. I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out " YUV GOTTA BE FuKN' DEAD.........."

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Hurricane » Jun Sun 21, 2009 11:57 pm

FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER .............. :lol:

Hollywood Squares:

These great questions & answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later): Lonelyness!

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q.. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A.. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

:laughing: :laughing:
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Jul Thu 02, 2009 3:46 pm

REACHING for 70

Upon reaching 65, Bill decided to retire. After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby.

Bill obliged and went out for a couple of hours.
When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.

"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start Jumping out of airplanes?"

"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."

"Old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!" :oops: :banghead: :laughing:
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Max » Jul Thu 02, 2009 4:48 pm

After Michael Jackson's autopsy, what did they find?





He was 95% plastic.




So, what are they going to do with his body?





They are donating it to Legos company. His body will be made into Legos, and little boys will play with him.
The worst offense that can be committed by a polemic is to stigmatize those who hold a contrary opinion as bad and immoral men. John Stuart Mill, 1806-73

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do."
Benjamin Franklin,

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Hurricane » Jul Tue 07, 2009 1:12 pm

"Camping Treat"

Mike was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.
After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4X4 friends Mike left to go back home to his wife.

When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Mike sitting up in front of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Mike?"
"I didn't have to" was Mike's reply.

"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see - through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

So here I am !! :D
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Glen Quagmire » Jul Fri 10, 2009 8:43 am

The autopsy report for Michael Jackson came in this morning and the cause of death was determined to be a heart attack. Police believe that Jackson suffered a massive heart attack when he walked into his kitchen and found Chris Hanson from Dateline NBC sitting there with a plate full of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.
Giggity, giggity, giggity!

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Jul Mon 27, 2009 4:02 pm

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY!
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied.. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone. "

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

Send to men with a sense of humor & women who figure this makes sense.
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Jul Mon 27, 2009 6:57 pm

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this story......
Arcelor-Metal Steel, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO and he was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the new CEO noticed a guy leaning
against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them
know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy at the wall and
asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'


A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make about $400 a week. Why.'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!' The guy left without saying a word to the CEO.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here? '
From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from
Domino's.'
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Aug Sat 01, 2009 1:44 pm

Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you're not feeling so good."

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow.

"The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Aug Tue 04, 2009 9:22 am

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Sep Wed 02, 2009 8:30 pm

A 10 Year Old's Love Story

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 'Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little [expletive] is adorable.

:D :lol: :lol:
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Hurricane » Sep Sun 13, 2009 12:17 pm

"Tinkle"

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK.
The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.
She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
''What's wrong?'' asked the mother.
''I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,'' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
''Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.''
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked in to the room in tears.
''It's okay'' said the Mom, ''I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.''

''No,'' said the boy, ''I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.''
"Clipper" will always be in my Heart !!

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Nov Fri 06, 2009 8:21 pm

I got this new deodorant today.
The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.
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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Jackster » Mar Fri 05, 2010 7:50 pm

the Drunken Stranger

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.


The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,

standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.


"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"



"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you re member about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?


I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"


The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.


"Where are you?" asks the husband.



"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

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Re: Time for some laughs!

Post by Bob » Mar Fri 12, 2010 8:30 am

Apple does it again!





Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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